Thoughts and music of double J x

The Black Dog Ain’t Winning!

JjAddiction, Depression, Suicide! I write this as I watch a programme about rock band INXS vocalist Michael Hutchence and again being who he was simply did not stop the ‘Black Dog’ We use a mask and it don’t last, live it long and live it fast… Therefore they are shocked and stunned that someone so ‘famous‘ someone so ‘rich‘ someone so gifted and ‘funny‘ should have any problems! That someone who ‘wanted for nothing’ could escape the ‘demons‘ in his head! That all his fame and wealth could make the ‘Black Dog’ slip his lead and simply walk away… If only the answer was that simple… Don’t Be Part Of The Problem, Be Part Of The Solution!

I was ‘diagnosed‘ by a doctor at eighteen years of age as… And I Quote! ‘An Addictive Personality Disorder who Is A Manic Depressive With Schizophrenic Tendencies’ The Three different people I am every day of course disagreed so for as long as I can remember they have been arguing every day over which one is right, so everyday you will get a different part of me, sometimes all three in one day. this does add up to beyond ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ and don’t even let the ‘Polar’ in here. https://circlekj.wordpress.com/2014/08/22/hot-and-cold-love-bi-polar-outgoing-vs-introverted/

Adding the main THREE ingredients of disaster to someone like me, namely BOOZE, DRUGS & SEX to that is a ‘Cock‘ tail of love, loss and heartbreak! You become reliant on getting ALL THREE in any order, day or night, no matter what the cost. Those three things have cost me everything, I have at one point been addicted to all three and at no point have I ever NOT been addicted to at least one. They have given and taken away everyone I Love & Who Loved ME! Sitting here alone writing this I have finally realised that being alone is the result of a lifetime of ‘Fucking Up’ This fact does not help my ‘mood’ it just sends me deeper into the black and the ‘cycle of pain’ or ‘circle of shit’ starts up again… I Want To Break The Chain!

That Chain: Day 1: I’m up and laughing, life of the party, fun to be around, I’m having a great time, so your’e going to have a great time too. Day 2: I’m still fun, but i switch every now and then to snarly and ‘moody‘ the ‘Game‘ changes, not so much fun anymore, you’re now looking at the time. Day 3: ,No fun anymore. Time to go as the ‘paranoia‘ button’ has been pressed and it’s ‘Hate The World’ day and everyone in it. So depending on which day you get me, is how you percieve me. Those who stick around for all three, and do so year after year are the ones you should trust and really love!

And I can testify that being ‘Addicted and Depressed’ is no fun at all when you can’t run to a bag of white or a bottle of black. You see for many when they get ‘pissed off’ or ‘run down’ they grab a cigarette and a glass of wine… For some it’s a pack of twenty and a full bottle… For a few it’s three packs, two bottles, uncle Jack turns up with his good friend Mr coke! and the spiral begins and the madness starts, but in your head the escape from the real world problems is the aim, you shoot, you fire, but ultimately… You buRn…

robin w“One day [when I relapsed] I walked into a store and saw a little bottle of Jack Daniel’s. And then that voice — I call it the ‘lower power’ — goes, ‘Hey. Just a taste. Just one.’ I drank it, and there was that brief moment of ‘Oh, I’m okay!’ But it escalated so quickly. Within a week I was buying so many bottles I sounded like a wind chime walking down the street.” Robin Williams.

But when you ‘quit’ when the ‘rehab‘ comes calling (no,no,no) you get back on track, you live the life, love the world, smile, hop, skip and jump. THEN that one day, that moment where something triggers in your head, it can be (and often is) a combination of financial, employment, personal problems building up and then the ‘personal‘ one ‘broken heart’ or ‘deceit’ pushing the button. Being depressed & alone is made worse by those who just think it’s fake & all in your head! Anything can trigger it, a look, a word, a picture!

Those of the ‘before the internet’ age will really find it hard to grasp, those of post face-space will know that the ‘keyboard warriors’ the trolls, the haters and the mischief makers all stab with their steely knives, one little jab at a time to bring someone down, to shatter their dream, to stop their start and to break their heart. There are those in your life that do care, they support, they help you as much as they can, when they can, there are those who betray, they attack, they tear you down, just to make their day and life seem better, often those who love and support can turn on a penny, they can go from saviour to creator, they often once loved but now hate, it’s often for their own survival, helping them soothe their own demons.

Mental Health.. tortured by isolation and loneliness.” Internal struggle is not always evident on the outside, and yet we can look at the exterior to see how we think someone should be feeling. I think all I can do or am capable of in times of despair is to connect and seek guidance. Sometimes I need help to do that , sometimes it is all I have alone in the dark.

sometimes‘Drinking isn’t the problem, It’s the solution’

And when you are ‘clean‘ when you are ‘sober‘ where and how do you escape those ‘demons‘ where do you dive, how do you flip the switch back into normality, those voices just scream louder at you and the one shouting ‘don’t’ gets drowned out by the one shouting ‘DO IT’ and you look at the knife, you look at the bottle, you look at the noose and they become the answer to all your problems, they make EVERYTHING‘ go away, so why not! With no bottle to dive into and ‘drown your sorrows’ they simply continue with you 24-7, there is No escape, no rest bite, the vision and voice is there all the time. Sleep brings relief when you are conducting your demons with the bottle or the powder because you pass out, you are comatose, you remember nothing so even in your dreams you are safe, however without them, there is no sleep, there is no get out of jail free card. Your problems are there making you want to ‘check out’ every minute of every hour of every day. And every time you turn on your computer, your phone they come screaming right at you. An ‘Apple’ a day used to keep the doctor away, however in the modern world ‘Apple‘ feeds the monster, that controls the demon… Tablets used to be part of the cure, now they are part of the problem!

So if there is a positive from this and the ‘light‘ does shine on the darkness and it helps the ‘black’ become a little more ‘white‘ then we can all live better with ‘shades of grey’ and to Robin… ‘I’ll see you on the other side, bro’ Jj Haggar

depression

1. You can’t just “be happy” or “get over it”

Most people who suffer from depression have had someone say this to them at some point in time. But it doesn’t work like that. Depression is an illness – a person with depression can’t just snap their fingers and “get over it” in the same way that a person with cancer can’t just flick a switch and magically become healthy again.

2. It’s a real illness

Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain – a deficiency of either serotonin, dopamine, adrenalin or noradrenalin. Just because it’s an invisible illness, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t real.

3. People with depression are not attention seekers

F.I.N.E> (Fucked, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional) There are exceptions to nearly every rule, but the vast majority of people with depression are most certainly not attention seekers. If they were, then why are they famous for saying “I’m fine” when they feel miserable? Why do they go to extreme lengths to hide their cuts if they self-harm? And why does suicide usually come as such a shock? The truth is that most people with depression hide their pain – often out of fear of being judged or discriminated against.

4. Depression is very, very common

A lot of people think that depression is rare and that only freaks suffer from it, but the truth is that according to the World Health Organisation, depression afflicts 121 million people worldwide, and as many as 10% of adults in the Western World. You may think you don’t know anyone who’s suffering from depression, but odds are that you do.

5. Anyone can fall victim to depression

Depression is one of those illnesses that doesn’t discriminate. No matter how much money you make or what gender, age, sexuality, colour or creed you are, you’re at risk of falling victim.

6. People with depression can still be very high functioning

Just because someone suffers from depression, it doesn’t mean that they’re incompetent or unable to function. History is filled with countless highly successful people who suffered from depression, including Sir Winston Churchill, J.K. Rowling, Gwyneth Paltrow, Stephen Fry, Angelina Jolie, Mark Twain, Demi Lovato, Abraham Lincoln, and Sir Isaac Newton.

7. People with depression are sick – not crazy

Mental illnesses are like physical illnesses – you treat them and get better. A person with a mental illness is no more crazy than a person with a physical illness.

8. If someone with depression has a “good day”, it doesn’t mean that they no longer have depression

People with depression can have “good” days where they don’t feel depressed – indeed, they can have days where they even feel happy. But it’s a mistake to assume that just because they feel good one day, that they’re no longer sick and therefore should feel good every day. Depression just doesn’t work like that.

9. People with depression are not necessarily “negative” or “ungrateful”

Just because a person suffers from depression, it doesn’t mean that they’re a negative or an ungrateful person. Again, depression is an illness, and it can happen to anyone – positive and grateful people included.

10. Suffering from depression is much, much more than just having a bad day or feeling ephemerally sad

A bad day is just that – a bad day – and sadness is a fleeting emotion. Clinical depression on the other hand can make you feel utterly miserable – not for just one day, but for weeks, months, or even years on end. It can make you feel completely worthless. It can make you feel exhausted. It can make you hate yourself. It can make you self-harm. And worst of all, it can make you feel suicidal and drive you to carry out those thoughts. Depression is a word many people throw around carelessly (“I have to go to work on Monday, that is so depressing”), but when used in its clinical sense, it describes a debilitating, gut-wrenching illness.

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